Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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