so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
