I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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