last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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