just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
