hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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