you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
