And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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