between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
