LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
