You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
