thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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