cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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