Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize