I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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