OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
