I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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