Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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