Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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