she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
