my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What a fucking waste of an outfit
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize