Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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