so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
