i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
