He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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