It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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