I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
