Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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