is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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