im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
