I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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