he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Who put my cat in the fridge?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
