just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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