Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize