It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
