i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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