Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
