Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
