My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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