he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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