I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
