You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
and she was petting her beer can
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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