just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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