I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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