Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
