I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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