just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
