Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
