I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Randomize
