Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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