Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
