I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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