Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
