i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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