I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
why do cheetos always look like penises
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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