Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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