I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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