my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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