The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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