Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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