he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
