I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
