I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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