her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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