Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
