Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
false alarm, still single
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
